My Friend Jack.

Last night I met a few friends up at a local watering hole for some libations. It was G's birthday, and we were having a low-key celebration.

One of G's friends - I'll call him Jack (for reasons you will find out sooner rather than later, and then want to wash your eyes out with bleach, or laugh heartily, depending on whether or not you are one of MY friends) - wound up joining us. G's a cute little thing, but sometimes the stuff that just flies out of her mouth, especially when fueled by fire water, is insane.

I need to give you a little background first. The first time I met Jack, the first thing G told me about him was that he liked to walk the otter. Twice a day. Like clockwork. Oh - you aren't familiar with that phrase? Well, how about milk the snake? Lap-based web-browsing? Getting some air nookie? Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend? Tickling your Elmo? Are you getting it now?

So this is the first thing I learn about Jack. And trust me, there was no shame in his game. He didn't care. It was his, he could play with it if he wanted to! That aside, and I'm not even sure it needed to be an aside, he seems like a nice enough guy. Healthy. Cleaned out. **wink**

Last night Jack joined us for G's birthday. And she took it upon her self to remind me about his daily habit. I gotta hand it to him (no pun intended), he's pretty ok with it. I told him his urologist was certainly going to appreciate the cleanliness when it was time for that exam.

But see, G had been drinking wine, and then joined us all for cocktails, and she started polling the boys: Sock or shower? Which do you use? I was pleasantly surprised to learn that there were a clean bunch of boys, who all used the shower.

Except J - who called home to get his girl to draw him a bath.

Things That Made Me Smile This Week

In an effort to live a more positive and productive life, I am going to try and post once a week on things that made me smile that week.

Here we go:

1. When I was at the Outlets with my son this week, I was waiting outside the restrooms for him to come out. Standing there waiting for his wife to come out was an elderly gentleman. When his wife emerged from the bathroom, he lit up, grinning from ear to ear. She smiled sweetly back at him and he gently put his hand on her back, guiding her outside the restroom door. It was a very tender and touching moment, and I am glad I got to witness it.

2. I was getting my coffee this morning and I go to a Starbucks that is inside a grocery store. As I came out, there was a woman tying her dog up so she could run inside. She was loving on him so much, telling him what a good boy he was, and that she loved him and she would be right back. That made me smile.

3. My boss told me I was a genius. That made me smile.

4. My son is becoming a responsible, mature, caring individual. He displayed it in so many ways this week. That made me smile.

5. My husband took me to McMenamins for dinner on Thursday and we had a tough, but honest conversation. Believe it or not, it made me smile.

Look around you and be aware of the things that make you smile each day. They are more important than the things that make you frown.

I Weep Sometimes for the Future Generations

We're so dialed in, plugged in and turned on. We email, IM, blog and post. We get our news from the homepage of CNN.com, our bank balances online, and the weather through the computer screen.

Gone are the days when a handwritten note or invitation came in the mail. Evite's are as plentiful as spam, oh so abundant and raiding your inbox like ants at a picnic.

Today is the birthday of a friend of mine. I sent her an eCard first thing this morning. It was from Hallmark, so doesn't that count? Granted, we are all going to dinner later, and I have a gift and a handmade card, but what does it say about me that I sent her an eCard?

When I received a gift from a relative, I sat down and wrote a letter of thanks. Now, my son simply makes a phone call, or sends an email. Am I ok with it? I guess it's better than no thanks at all.

I see tweens and teens alike walking through the mall and texting their little fingers off. All while carrying on a conversation with their companions. Even my mother-in-law is into the texting game. I'll admit, it's a lot easier to text someone when you only have one little thing to say.

The other night my husband was in the bedroom watching TV, while I was on the laptop and my son was in his room on his PSP, playing an online game with some of his friends. I realized at that moment, that we are too dialed in. Too plugged in. Too reliant on electronic communicado.

So this week, unplug, untune, and spend some quality time. It's not forever.

It's The End of the World as We Know It

...and I am skeered.

It's June peeps. JUNE. The first day of summer is around the corner. Apparently, someone forgot to inform Oregon. Or Mother Nature. That bitch.

We had SNOW up on Mt. Hood last week. S-N-O-W. You know, that white stuff that falls to the ground when it's too godforsaken cold to rain? Yeah, that.

In June.

Have I mentioned it's June?

So I laugh every morning at our weather forecasters. Meteorologists. Lying whorebags. They keep promising me that it will be sunny and 68. Lying liars who LIE. That's what I say.

It's so bad that we have a name for it. Up here in the PNW, (Pacific NorthWest, cause I know SOMEONE is going to email me about that shiz) we are calling it JUNuary. It's been cold, and rainy, and wet. And miserable.

That noose in the garage? It's nothing, keep moving.

But today - TODAY - the meteorologistlyingwhorebag told me it was going to be Sunny! And 68! I went out to run errands at lunch and guess what? There was some bright light out there, the likes of which I haven't seen here in, oh, since the 3rd of A Long Time Ago. I actually had to put on my sunglasses. Seriously!

Anyway. According to the weather forecaster guy, it's supposed to be in the high 70's and SUNNY this weekend. It better be. Or else the national news is going to have a headline similar to "Oregon Woman Goes Crazy and Kills Meteorologist".

Hand to God.

Losing Myself

I am trying to lose weight. Trying being the operative word. I've changed my diet, I've started going to the gym on a regular basis (Ok, so the last three weeks don't count - see post below this one!), and I've not been so stressed.

With that being said, no one has informed my brain and my sweet tooth that I am drastically cutting my caloric intake of chocolate, sugar, and caramel. They are mad.

I've changed my caramel macchiatto (300 calories, 70g of fat, 43g carbs (I KNOW, RIGHT!) to a skinny caramel latte (160 calories, 0g of fat, 24g carbs). I've bought Jello Sugar Free Dulce de Leche pudding, I've stocked up on natural snacks like Pirate Booty and Sun Chips. I've even cut out my full sized chocolate candy bars for the fun size. I have to keep the brain and sweet tooth quiet somehow.

So what I have found is that the weight is coming off, slowly but surely. I only have about 20 pounds to go, which, when you say it out loud, doesn't really seem like a lot. Seeing as how I've only lost ten in six months, it seems a bit daunting to me.

But I can do it, I know I can. I put on a shirt that I haven't worn in a while this morning and it's loose! That excited me. The little things. The little victories.

Celebrate with me. Dance a little.

Why Am I Paying Rent?

Since May 21, the Coyote and her Den have actually slept in their home a total of 6 nights. In three weeks. The remaining nights have been spent in far-away exotic places. Well, ok, not necessarily exotic (or far away for that matter), but certainly NOT in my own bed. First there was the va-kay to Cabo, which I know, I can't complain about. Then the trip to Phoenix for the boy's graduation ceremony. I know, again, I can't complain.

This past weekend, we took a trip to Denver so the boys could attend Fan Fair at Mile High. For those of you who don't speak football, it's an annual fair put on by the Denver Broncos wherein millions and millions (ok, maybe not millions, but it looked and felt like it) of fans can see and speak to present and past players. There are autograph and photo opportunities, merchandise out the wa-hoo, and the ever popular, Punt, Pass and Kick competition. For kids and adults. Although besides the obvious age advantage, I'm not so sure they needed to distinguish between "kids" and "adults". Have you ever seen what happens to perfectly mature men when they get to stand on the same turf as their football heros? I promise you, there's no "adult" mentality going on there!

Such is the story of what my two boys got to do this weekend. They are both very big Bronco fans. So my younger boy got to participate in the PP&K competition. As his very proud mama watched from the stands, my boy threw a PERFECT spiral. Long, and lean. And trust me, I'm not just biased. People all around me were marveling at the arm on that kid. Especially since he weighs about 97 pounds soaking wet. He's long and lean! And has an arm! Who would have thought that PSP, PS3 and Nintendo would do that to a boy?

Then my older boy (aka the Hub)got to take the field for a Field Goal. Oh the look in his eye as he stepped onto Mile High Turf. He stood back, kicked, and into the stands it went! He could have dropped back at least another ten yards and he would have been good. I was cheering like it was the Superbowl winning kick! Point being, my husband kicked a field goal at Mile High Stadium. Not many people can actually say that.

Yesterday we toured the Celestial Seasonings and Coors factories. No, they aren't neighbors. They aren't even in the same town. Although, that would be sort of funny. In my own twisted course of thought. You know.

So a tired Family came home late last night and the Coyote and her Field Goal kicking Superstar husband had to work today. My lucky little man is at home, relaxing.

I need some sleep. In my own bed. For more than three nights in a row. *wink*

It's Why I Shave My Legs

Ahhh. Spring. The time of the year when the birds chirp, the flowers bloom, and the razors are blazing! If you are a man reading this, DON'T read on. It may scar you for life.

Women - are ya with me? We only shave on a consistent basis, when it's warm and we're going to be wearing skirts, dresses, shorts and capris. It's true. Admit it and feel the load lift.

So this morning I decided to wear a dress to work, so I shaved in the shower. I got out and was getting ready and my baby girl kitty came in, as she always does in the mornings, to let me know what she had planned for the day. She likes to come in and mouth to me, she's so talkative. She tells me all about how she plans on taking a nap, eating, taking a nap, getting some water, taking a nap, chasing her brother around the house, and then taking a nap. She has a hard life I tell ya.

So this morning as she is telling me her nap schedule, she's winding herself in a figure eight in between my legs. Nothing feels better than soft kitty fur winding itself between freshly shaven legs. NOTHING. It's soft. It's highly-sensitive, because there's perfect fur to skin contact, and it's one of the joys of owning a cat. She's precious.

Except at 5 in the morning when she jumps up on my chest purring at me because she thinks it's time to get up. Then she's a punk.

We Are The Champions

For the past 34 weeks, C, N, and I have been bowling on Monday nights on a women's league. We bowled our final night last night, and we took home the trophy. We were league champions!! First place baby! Numero Uno! We each won a little cash, had a good time, and felt really proud of ourselves and our accomplishments!

For the past three weeks, TLC has been at the bowling alley filming episodes for Little People, Big World. The Roloff Family lives in the Metro Portland area and Amy bowls on our league. My husband knows the Roloff's since they fly Southwest quite a bit, so it was nice to see the action. I signed a waiver, so you might be seeing me on a TV near you soon. I'll keep you posted. I'm the one in the pink "Dolls With Balls" shirt! **wink**

With that, I bid you adieu. The Coyote will be on va-kay for the next week. Talk to you when I get back!!

Cold Stone: Creamery of the gods; and OMG! DH!!

I've been pretty disciplined for the last five months with my diet and exercise. And it's paid off. I've lost some weight, but mostly toned up in places where I was getting a bit "jiggly".

This weekend was HOT. Like playing shadow tag with 100 degrees hot. We had a busy weekend, with cueing, playing golf, hanging out, and doing yardwork. So on Sunday night the Hub and I decided to head to Cold Stone for a date.

Walking into Cold Stone Creamery you are instantly transported to heaven. The smells, the mix-ins, the possibilities! They are endless. So he grabbed a Peanut Butter Cup sensation and I had the Coffee Lovers Delight. Or whatever they're called.

I woke up this morning .8 pounds heavier. No more for me!!

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Did you WATCH the season finale of Desperate Housewives last night? I. Was. On. The. Floor!! Warning - possible spoilers ahead:

SUSAN! Dear GAWD get it together and STICK WITH ONE MAN.
Gaby: Honey. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you get to let yourself go.
Bree: Get some girl!
Lynette: Wow. You need to get it together and get your boys some serious help. Shielding them from the law after the fire, not so much a good idea.
Katherine: You actually endeared yourself to me tonight.

Speaking of Season Finale's - what about CSI? Holy craptastic batman! I did NOT see that coming.

Partly Cloudy, 93.

Ten days to go.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of the mom's out there.

The Ten Day Forecast

We at the Coyote are getting ready to head out on a well-deserved Mexican vacation. We're going with two of our best friends, who happen to be married to each other. See how wonderfully life works out? We'll get some sun, lounge by the pool, drink mas tequila, eat and shop. We're going deep sea fishing one day, and then the boys are going to go again, while the girls head into town and garner some treasures. At a reduced price of course.

So we've been having the countdown for months now. As of today, we leave in 13 days. So my husband decided to check out the Ten Day Forecast. Today, it's going to be 94 in Cabo. Can I tell you what the high in PDX was today? Somewhere around 53. That's a 41 degree difference. Fourty-one. Fourty. PLUS ONE. There is no culture shock like leaving the cold and entering the tropics. None. Makes you want to strip to your skivvies and jump in an ice cold drink. But the Federales frown on that kind of behaviour at the airport. Don't ask, I just know.

So I can imagine that we'll be on top of that Ten Day Forecast for the next 12 days. But do we care? As I said to my husband - That's what the pool is for!

Merrily We Go Round

Two days into my new job, my assistant decides to tell me she is interviewing for the state of Oregon. This makes complete sense to me, and let me tell you why. She graduated Magna Cum Laude from OSU, with a degree in Economics. And here she sits, making slave wage, being my assistant. I've got to hand it to the girl, she needs to use that head of hers. So she is.

She just walked in here, and told me she got the job. I was the first person she told, but **shhh** don't tell her husband. She wanted to call her mom after she told me, but I advised her to call her hubby first. She came back in blushing and thanked me for the good advice, because he really appreciated the first call.

I said first call. She didn't call me, she walked over and told me. So he was the first call. Stop looking at me like that.

So now I have to recruit, interview and hire another assistant. In 11 days. Oh, she's giving me until the 28th, but see, I am going to be on a little vacation from the 21st to the 28th. So with the holiday, that takes about 6 interview days out of the equation. And besides, I want to hire someone soon so she can train them. And then there's the little matter of moving some people around, because I want the new person to be at the front desk. It's beyond stressful.

I know, I know, I bought, closed, and moved into a house in 12 days when we lived in CT. A-ha you say? Yes, but that's ALL I did for those 12 days: inspections, appraisals, attorneys. It consumed my day.

So here I go - getting ready to write an ad for a new Executive Assistant. Wish me luck!

*Cough, Cough* Clearing Out the Cobwebs

OK! I know! I haven't been here in AGES. I'm pretty sure that if this blog were a bar, there would be a little guy in the corner with a beer who died three months ago. It's bad.

Here's the thing. I cannot believe it's May. And not only May, but May 6th already!

So let's recap. I visited in February to let you all know about my fantasmic job offer. Well, let me tell you about that job. Not so much. They were leveraging their receivables to pay payables and that's never a good idea, know what I mean (and I think you do)? Besides that, they have an antiquated accounting system that still runs in a DOS-based program, and they had just gotten the General Journal program installed and were working out the bugs. As they say in my favorite country, no est a bien.

So they hired a Controller, and I took my leave. Which is fine. One door closes and all that. So I promptly started at a non-profit organization. I don't get to wear jeans every day, but the perks definitely outweigh the bad in this one. I love my job, I like the people, my boss is super laid back. He's younger, which I think is important in today's day and age as we need to keep the finger on the pulse of employee appreciation. Since I've started, we had our Administrative Professionals Appreciation Day, I scheduled a Cinco de Mayo luncheon for everyone yesterday, and I'm working on implementing a summer hours schedule.

Much to my amazement, this new brand of stress reduction has really shown through in my personal life. I'm not as edgy, my bowling scores have improved (I bowled a 600 series this season!), and I'm losing weight. And feeling great.

So with this new brand of stress reduction in my life, I am going to try really hard to blog at least once a week. Bear with me dear reader, I'm navigating yet another new course.

Besides, we're looking for a house to buy right now. That should be enough blog fodder for a while, agreed?

I Really Need to Learn to Give it to God

Really. My biggest problem is that I am a control freak. I need to feel in control of my life. And that causes more problems sometimes than it helps.

I see that my last post there - below this one - on January 25th I was feeling sorry for myself. I thought that with all of my efforts and perseverance, I would land myself a job. I left out the most important part though - I forgot to put it in God's hands. Of course, I still needed to do the work, but giving it up to Him was a missing piece.

Don't get me wrong, you can't simply sit back and say "OK Lord, do your thing", because that doesn't work either. You still have to do the leg work, but give it to Him, and the leg work won't feel that hard.

Shortly after I wrote that post - I received a phone call from an employment agency. I started a job on Tuesday the 29th. It's considerably more pay than my previous slave wages, and I get to wear jeans every day if I wish.

I was humbled, and reminded that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Yes, He does.

The Job Search Continues

Who would have thought that I would still be sitting here, two weeks after I left my job, still waiting on an answer from a job I interviewed for? Such is the turn of events that is my life. Un-freakin-real.

Happy New Year! 2008 Resolutions...

Resolutions. We hear we should make them, we hear we should keep them, we hear 50% of people don't. So why bother?

I'll admit, I fell off the wagon over Christmas. If you count Christmas as December 1 - 31. I went to the gym maybe twice? And I ate. Oh boy did I eat. That's the bad thing about Christmas, is the food. It's so....fat. But it's so GOOD. We were busy every weekend, with parties, and visiting friends, and my birthday smack dab in the middle there.

But now it's the new year. It's two thousand effing eight! How did that happen? Chris and I met before the new millenium even begun, and now we're 8 years into it!

So I got back on the wagon. I'm on a new low GI (Glycemic Index) eating plan, and I am back at the gym. Along with this new attitude will soon come a new job. I gave my notice to my current employer on November 30th. My last day will be January 11th. I know, I'm a nice girl, I let them find someone and I am staying for a week to train. Can we say "dragging our feet"?

So I have an interview tomorrow and I am super excited about it. Wish me luck faithful readers!

Some Holiday Diet Tips - Enjoy!

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great Christmas!

Making Changes

Life is all about change. We grow, we change, we move on.

I gave my notice at work on Friday. I couldn't handle the work style of my boss anymore. The last-minute, unprepared, lost paperwork boss. The stress and the uncertainty of each of my days finally got the best of me.

I would be more disappointed in myself had I not been the third admin he's gone through. Uno, dos, tres. Me. I was tres. I'm angry that I have to be the one to look for a new job, but relieved that I won't have that stress anymore.

We are headed out of town for the Christmas holiday, and that makes me happy. Then we will come back and I will hit the job hunt hard.

Making changes.

His Nobel Peace Prize is in the Mail

I am reminded, in little and big ways, every day, how wonderful my husband is, and how lucky I am that God brought him to me. He's my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, my greatest cheerleader, and he's smokin' hot! So that helps.

We had a small bridal shower at work today for one of the girls here who is getting married. Again. For the third time. What you need to know, though, is that this girl has had a tough life. I won't go into details, but there are perfectly good reasons that she ran smack dab into the middle of two bad relationships, and didn't realize it until after midnight when she tried to feed them.

At the little shower, we were all sitting around talking and she asked me how long I had been married. I told her 5 years, but that we would be together for 9 this March. Since I was the one person in the room who had been married the longest, she asked me how I did it. She also knows that I have been married before.

That's when my friend C interrupted and said "Because he's an awesome husband." I agreed. He is an awesome husband. He's a great friend, he's a wonderful (step)father, and he's a good son. I told her "See, my husband is SUPER laid back. And I, well, I tend to get a little riled up sometimes." To which the room chuckled, because it's true, I can be intense (or so I have been told). And my husband grounds me. He brings me back down when I am on the edge. He makes me realize that maybe, just maybe, I am getting all out of sorts for no reason. But, he'll also be the one to confirm when I have all the right in the world to be upset. He balances me out.

That's not to say we don't have our problems. I won't let him do laundry. And there's a REASON behind that. He doesn't let me clean the bathrooms. And there's a REASON behind that. Those who have known us the longest know that we just click, mesh, blend.

He keeps me sane. And for that, I love him more than he'll ever know.

WBS

Recently I was in a discussion with a wonderful group of ladies on a private board I belong to and one of them said that she had WBS. Wanker Boss Syndrome. I adore that! Big shout-out to the Shev-meister, Breaker of Beds! *wink*

It was then that I realized, *I* have WBS. A huge, ginormous case of it. I then got to wondering - how many more of us have WBS? Is there an epidemic just running rampant in this country of WANKER BOSSES? It is very similar in symptoms to IBS, which is Irritable Bowel Syndrome - so I decided to do a side-by-side comparison. Strap in readers, this one is going to be fun!

• IBS is a common disorder of the intestines that leads to crampy pain, gassiness, bloating, and changes in bowel habits.

• WBS is a common disorder of your sanity that leads to your boss being a huge pain in your ass.

• IBS can cause constipation, diarrhea, or both. People may experience a crampy urge to move the bowels but cannot.

• WBS can cause aggravation, annoyance, or both. People may experience a crampy urge to lift their hand and slap the offending party upside the head, but cannot.

• IBS causes a great deal of discomfort and distress, but it does not cause permanent harm to the intestines.

• WBS causes a great deal of discomfort and distress to the employee, but does not cause permanent harm to the offending party.

• IBS is often a mild annoyance, but for some people it can be disabling.

• WBS is sometimes a mild annoyance, and sometimes can cause disability to control the amount of drinking you do after work every night.

• IBS can be treated with fiber supplements or laxatives. Some prescription drugs that control muscle spasms and slow movement of food through the digestive system can also be prescribed.

• WBS can be treated with a fifth of rum and a long week partying in Puerto Rico. Some prescription drugs may be able to help also.

See the similarities? I thought so.